more on the smackdown...

i am devastated. i am in turmoil. i can’t believe a harmless pastime, like my blog, has turned into such a contentious, volatile problem.
i saw the other teachers gather in the meeting room and when i asked, my suspicions were confirmed, this site was the topic of the conversation. i’m furious i wasn’t invited to attend. i wasn’t given the opportunity to defend or explain myself and my blog. if you want me to adhere to all of the protocol associated with being a teacher, then treat me like one and allow me to be present during these staff meetings. damn it. it turns out there have been meetings with the principal, vice-principal and numerous teachers during which time they’ve decided i’ll remove all the content they deem inappropriate. they are being enragingly sneaky. apparently i’m going to get a good talking to by the principal tomorrow; finally a meeting i’m invited too. why should my creativity be subject to their approval? and now, knowing that they are scrutinizing everything i record here, i feel a looming apprehension about the words i choose to write. [and i’m sure they’ve been scouring it, upwards of 10 times a day, because of my handy-dandy stat counter on the page.] i don’t pull any punches on my blog; not even if my grandma does read it. i am straight-forward because i want you to know what i’m thinking, feeling, experiencing. i almost feel a responsibility to truthfully relate what’s going on here as i am the only link many of my friends and fam have to this side of the world and the people who populate it.
i’m splintered. i’m at a loss. what to do… i’ve noted and debated the many possible paths that lie ahead of me. this cuts so close to one of my core values, freedom of expression, that, if i were in America, i honestly think my response to all of this would cost me my job. i would simply refuse to allow them to dictate what i would include on this site. but i’m not in America. i’ve thought about simply refusing, i don’t think i would be fired, but i do think my situation would deteriorate to an intolerable level. i could go sneaky, change the address, let ‘em think i caved. i refuse to play like this, especially in a situation where i don’t feel like i’ve done anything wrong. i could close the curtain, which would be a submission that is so not my style. if for no other reason, i want to continue to post so they’ll have to continue to peruse the site to make sure i’m in check. maybe they’ll learn to value this type of creative outlet, or maybe it’ll just create a lot of work for them…[that’s spiteful isn’t it?] that leaves me considering a compromise. why do i feel like compromise is such a dirty word? it implies that you had to forfeit something that you value, sacrifice something you thought was important, and i’m selfish and want to have it all my way i guess. i wrote before about the conditions i was willing to submit to; the teachers who requested to be excluded will be. but i don’t think i’m willing to give in to their demands completely. after meeting with the concerned parties tomorrow and considering their proposal, i guess i’ll be able to assess how much i’m willing to give and how much western stubbornness i’m going to let shine through.
a huge *thanks* to all the people who have commented, emailed, stopped me at parties and urged me to rock on. i've got more support than a sports bra.