it's the end of my blog as you know it...

i’m feeling very american right now. american in that ‘freedom of speech is guaranteed by the first amendment, i’m entitled to my own opinion, where are my pistols which the constitution gives me the right to own, i don’t care what you say cause it’s my body, don’t mess with us cause we’ll secede from the union’ kinda way. two teachers tentatively approached my desk saying ‘we don’t know how to tell you this…it’s about your blog…’ i thought i was in trouble for screwing around with it on work time but, instead, it turns out i’m in trouble for writing about work. an english teacher was doing a keyword search for takada minamishiro high school’s homepage and came across this site instead. of course she immediately recognized that it belonged to me and began poking around. she was apparently horrified by what she found. although it’s no secret that i have a website, they claim they didn’t know i was actually posting pictures and text relating to my work/school life on the internet. huh? [there was honestly some confusion about the fact that a website is available to anyone with access to the internet.] it’s not as if there are shots of them naked table dancing…there are however shots of them drinking beer which is one of the points of contention. they are also displeased that there are pictures taken at school, pictures of students, pictures taken in class, pictures of other teachers, pictures of school events, pictures of school parties. at first i felt hurt. i hadn’t been sneaky about my blogging intentions and had provided the url to friends and colleagues who had asked for it without any hints of any problems. i work really hard to maintain and update this site because i take pleasure in it and because i really want my family and friends to keep up with my life, understand my situation here and thus know how this experience is shaping me as a person. my co-workers were petrified. one reason being that they are admittedly embarrassed by their behavior, which is a common cultural characteristic here. i pointed out that all the pics are of normal situations, but they are afraid that another japanese person will see the photos and pass judgment on them for the acts depicted therein. i talked with them about hypocrisy, as every japanese person is familiar with the shenanigans associated with enkais because everyone attends these parties. i always ask for permission before shooting at get-togethers and it’s common knowledge that i’m camera happy around school. they were of the belief that any photos i’ve taken were solely for memory’s sake, to be stashed away on a memory card and used only to help me recall the happier times when i’m an 80-something alzheimer patient in a rocker on the front porch of a nursing home. perhaps it’s because of my age or social strata but i’m never surprised when i click over to a friend’s blog and find myself pictured. every time a shutter clicks i’m unconsciously but agreeably aware that the photo has potential to travel. every time a flash flickers i’m cognizant of the possibilities the photo has for display, which is why i avoid doing things i’d be horribly embarrassed about on film. these teachers were also worried that some higher-ups in the education department might run across the site and somehow this would lead to a nosedive in their career and demotions. another concern was that some nut-job whacko would see the pics and come to the school to either stalk me or a student [although only a handful of natives in this prefecture can actually read english well enough to decipher anything written about where i live, work, etc.] i don’t know much about the mode of operation of internet predators but i guess this is a plausible concern albeit really farfetched. of course i don’t want to endanger my students. there are literally dozens of blogs belonging to ALTs in this prefecture where countless pictures of students are posted, none of which have resulted in any crime. i also tell my kids when i’ve used their shots and sometimes even show them online…that isolated portion of course.
this issue rests at the crux of one of the most interesting and frustrating parts of living in japan; how to exist in a constrictive, traditional society when you’re so used to operating in a tolerant, freethinking one…how to strike a balance between maintaining your open-mindedness and ability to think independently while submitting to some of their contrived behavior for the sake of harmony…how to attempt to educate about and demonstrate western culture and ideology when you aren’t allowed to openly exhibit those qualities… i’ve always been a very thorough decision maker, confident in my choices and fiercely protective of the right to do as i so choose. living here has been a very humbling experience because i can’t get away with operating autonomously like i could in the u.s. not only must i rely on others for help in everyday situations, as a society they simply won’t tolerate behavior that goes against the grain. there is no where for a rebel to seek refuge, there is no where for a renegade to find partners in defiance. and unlike in america, many of these issues can’t be resolved with an appeal to logic and a soundly crafted intellectual argument. in this society tradition is the trump card; it isn’t subject to academic scrutiny or mortal persuasion. being the westerner that i am, i asked if their requests/demands relating to my blog were pursuant to a rule or simply their opinions. it’s not technically illegal, not in violation of my contract or against the rules of the board of education, but they want me to agree to not post anything relating to work or school. if they personally don’t want to be pictured, then i see it as a kind and morally conscientious decision to exclude them. it was never my intent to hurt anyone in anyway. there are other teachers who have willingly posed for me knowing the photo was for my website, but these shots would also be no-nos simply because they relate to school. i can understand the concern for students’ safety but feel that their assertions are really implausible. their hang-ups about judgement and opinions that may be inspired by the photos on my blog make me want to scream ‘have some balls!’ but they, being japanese by blood and upbringing, are much more qualified to guess what the actual, not idealized, consequences of my weblog might be.
facing situations like this makes me feel weak because i can’t/won’t stand up for myself and my behavior under certain circumstances. it’s not because i’ve lost convictions or forfeited my morals, it’s because there is simply no way to influence the outcome in my favor, it’s a hopeless cause. these conditions are emasculating, but at the same time i feel like i’m learning from them; i hope they are fortifying my connections to people, increasing my sympathy for the human condition and helping me to better understand those who also happen to occupy this big rock. i sometimes like to put spin on these feelings, perhaps to rationalize my behavior or help me better understand why my way of thinking is changing. i’ve always prided myself on my ability to play the game of life. i’m not talking milton bradley board games. there are certain institutions, like government, academia and population cliques, that are social constructions so much larger than one person’s influence. in order to affect change in arenas like this it is often necessary to play the game, operate within the established guidelines, but all the while using all available resources to push for your agenda. the hazard in this situation involves getting so caught up in the scenario that you lose sight of what’s really important and what really needs to be accomplished, a trap that celebrities often illustrate for us. i choose to think that making many of the concessions i have recently is more of an attempt to establish relationships in which i can prosper and contribute to the lives of those around me. it’s an effort to maintain a positive rapport and not a weakness that’s lead to a dilution of my convictions.
guess this is an awful lot of writing to simply explain why there will be tons of holes in my blog. as soon as i get back-ups current i’ll start breaking all the links to the violating photographs which will be a scrupulous process. i can only hope that this investment of time and energy will reap sizable dividends in the form of smoother relations with co-workers, an end to their fear of reprisals based on my blog, heightened awareness of the sacrifices outsiders must make to integrate into this society, respect for my willingness to cooperate and increased sensitivity to intercultural issues. there is a japanese proverb which states that ‘the nail which sticks out will get hammered down,’ a nod to their collective thinking and lack of tolerance for individual actions. it’s an ideal held in place by invisible but undeniable pressure, the weight of which is difficult to imagine if you’ve never been subject to it. it’s disappointing when i discover things about my new home which sadden me or offend my sensibilities but it doesn’t take long for me to find similar unsatisfactory aspects of american culture as well. in every humanly-constructed institution problems exist. i’ve decided it’s not about seeking out situations without obstacles, it’s about approaching these problems in a positive way and working towards solutions that will ultimately improve conditions for you and those you care about.
as a post script, i must give a shout out to yoga, which has served me well on several occasions recently. when i was hit with this blog bomb my insides were an absolute kinetic riot of hurt, anger, disappointment and lack of understanding. i wanted to lash out. instead i excused myself and took some time in a quiet room to center my thoughts and contemplate the heft, complexity and implications of what was being asked of me. as a result, i feel like i’ve arrived at a well-considered and rational conclusion, one lacking the fire that would have undoubtedly accompanied it had i dealt with this situation hastily and emotionally.
i feel spent after all this heavy introspection and deep analysis. i'm ready for a beer.