go climb some monkey bars

i sat in my car in the parking lot, eyes wide, unblinking, mind numb. the heat was sweltering which accentuated the coolness of the silent tears that meandered down my cheeks. i had just left a rehabilitation session at the hospital and had made my way to the vehicle in a true daze. i was unable to concentrate on the fact, but unable to think about anything else… my hand is not well. it had been 8 weeks since the surgery and it was the first day i’d been given a simple task to perform, pick up the pegs and stick them in the pegboard, easy as that. i recalled watching my hand chase the pegs around. i was unable to bend my thumb to grasp the small wooden obstacles; i would chase them to the corner of the tray, using my other fingers to urge the peg up the wall and into my grip. i experienced a serious mind/body disconnect as i was having trouble admitting the fact that this is my hand. i knew the digits were responding to my neural firings but the hand is so unlike the one that resided at the end of my limb a few short months ago. the doctor keeps telling me not to get ‘aseru’, or impatient, but his words [the ones i can understand] do little to allay my fears that it may not get much better than this. i beat myself up daily for lapsing back and forth between optimism and hopelessness…it’s only my thumb, it could be worse…we’re talking about serious quality of life issues here…the rest of my fingers will learn to compensate for the digit’s inadequacies…think of the things i’ll never be able to do again. yesterday they crafted a new apparatus to aid in straightening my thumb, which is swollen, discolored and holding strong at an odd 50 degree angle. it’s the fourth in my collection of rehab accessories that i must employ daily. although the apparatuses’ [apparatais’ ??] schedule is a bit confusing, all i need to do is glance at the seemingly arthritic, grandmother-like, disfigured digit to remind me it is time to exercise.

my doctor was baffled that i went to papua new guinea while my hand was healing from the first injury. my rehab nurse kept urging me to please stay away from bicycles as i kept asking for permission to ride. the hospital staff found it amusing that my goal while incarcerated was to heal quickly enough to be out in time to make the trip to korea. their bewilderment reminded me that many people never realize that life is the sum of the days you spend actually living. i don’t believe it is all about setting long-term goals and racing toward them at light speed so that all other opportunities become a blur in your periphery, bleeps that aren’t even registering on your tightly focused radar. it’s unfortunate that some people can never let go of obligations and expectations long enough to serve themselves, to chase dreams, seek adventure, be spontaneous. this isn't a completely selfish idea; by enriching ourselves we contribute more to the lives of those around us also. i’ve always found it fascinating that misfortunes and tragedies can be so invigorating and motivating. these hardships provide a much needed catalyst that urges us to do what we can while we can. i may not be able to break apart my own chopsticks or fasten the buttons on my sleeve, but a weekend jaunt to Tokyo, that’s do-able. we could all benefit by learning from the misfortunes of others instead of idling, waiting for adversity to light a fire under us personally. in other words, you should all go out and do something crazy while you still can…now…go…get outta here.