musings on love

Recent circumstances have begged me to examine love and relationships in Japanese society. With Valentine’s Day and our constant bitching about lack of action on the dating front, I’ve gleaned quite a bit of insight into personal relations on this side of the globe. I’ve discussed some of these feelings with a few of you here and there, but I wanted to try and collect a cogent synopsis of what I am discovering.
The Japanese in general are painfully shy, paralyzed by the fear of embarrassment, and this drives many of their decisions and interactions. This means they go to bizarre means to meet people of the opposite sex, and buffer their relations in order to maintain a safe distance. However, once they have decided they want to ‘date’ someone, they do a running cannonball into the deep end. It’s not uncommon to see groups of 4 or 6 people out on dates but they don’t sit beside members of the opposite sex, although it’s clear who is on a date with whom. This is an extension of the way they arrange themselves in the classroom, literally girls on one side, a vast space, and boys against the other wall. In the beginning I would try and encourage them to work together as I think socializing is an important skill that must be practiced if one hopes to be functional and well adjusted. They simply refuse and clam up and don’t work, so the alternative is to let them stay in their single-sex cliques.
I can understand the nervousness that comes with a new situation, but fortunately my curiosity usually trumps that anxiety and I am able to enjoy fresh experiences. With most Japanese it doesn’t work that way. They are terribly shy to talk with one another in a social setting. Throw a foreigner into the mix and forget it. Perhaps they are scared because of the language barrier [which is not so much of a problem anymore], or perhaps it’s our gregarious and outgoing personalities [which aren’t so common here] that puts them off. If we do jump that hurdle and have a decent conversation, it’s almost a definite that they won’t muster the courage to ask for your number or a date. Are we being a bit conceited to assume that some of these guys that we hit it off with should want to take us out? Perhaps, but to me it seems a natural yearning, seeking out people you are attracted to and desiring to spend more time with them. It seems I met the only 2 men in this town willing to go on proper dates within the first three months I was here. I’ll share these experiences to provide examples. The first wasn’t my type per say, but I was eager to see how the mechanics of dating work here. I literally bumped into him in the grocery store and he returned a few minutes later, talking way too fast in Japanese, asking if I’d like to go to lunch. We made it dinner and it was interesting. He asked if he could handle everything and subsequently ordered all our food and drinks without consultation. His eyes constantly darted around checking out other people staring at us [mixed race couples are not common]. There were no fireworks. The second fella I met on Halloween night and between his English and my Japanese we were able to hold a decent conversation. He was much ‘cooler’ and fashionable in that ‘I’m not trying to be stylish’ way. He furtively asked for my number as he readied to leave with his friends. A couple nights later we agreed on dinner and I had him pick me up from the station as I didn’t want him to know where I lived. He suggested Italian and we ended up at a well-lit romantic spot. He asked for more time as we decoded the menu so I could figure what I wanted. Even asking the waiter about the wines and then translating for me to ensure I didn’t end up with anything too sweet. It was obvious he was more progressive and cultured than the average Japanese man, due to his extensive traveling for work. On our 2nd date he showed up with gifts; a box set of Tiffany & Co. crystal glasses and a wave-making do-dad knick-knack. I was a taken aback as these were really nice presents and we’d only met a few times. He explained to me that it was just ‘culture difference’ and that it was common for Japanese to give presents. I didn’t realize how serious he perceived our relationship to be getting until after our 3rd date when he asked if he could leave the toothbrush he'd brought over at my apartment. WHAT?!? I truly enjoyed his company but was freaked out, obviously, by how quickly he was moving. As I reflected on the situation, I felt disconcerted by the reality. I was interested in dating, having a boyfriend, someone to spend time with and learn from. He was interested in these things too, but he was also looking for a lifelong companion. He is 31 and lives with his parents, which is incredibly common. As the oldest son, he is charged with caring for his folks which means starting his family in their house and remaining there until they die. Traditionally, sons marry and move their wives into the family homes so she can begin tending to his aging parents. They become her responsibility completely. Although he is unconventional, I fear the chasm between our upbringing is too wide to bridge. I am not willing to commit to that type of life and I hate the thought of wasting his time or misleading him. We had to have “the talk” and mostly in Japanese. Relationship discussions aren’t something people here are accustomed to; it’s common knowledge that couples don’t speak often and instead just ‘feel’. This also holds true in business where the extreme amount of silence and time for contemplation unnerves many a western businessman. I drew him charts explaining the progression of relationships in America after which we discovered there is no equivalent to ‘dating’ here. They jump from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend exclusivity to marriage. I knew from the beginning he was truly a good guy which is why he has continued to hang out with me, being my avid billiards partner and go-to man whenever I have a language barrier situation on my hands. He has taught me so much about societal and psychological differences between the east and the west. I am grateful that we can discuss these things freely and that my insight hasn’t been gained strictly from observing a Japanese man in his natural habitat, which seems clinical and unfair. I have come to see that a meaningful relationship, which isn’t necessarily bound for marriage, may not be possible here. I don’t state this as a definite because I feel sure the cultural, forward-thinking areas of the country [Tokyo, Osaka, Nagoya] are home to more alternative thinkers who were drawn to those areas, like I am, because of their progressive energy and freedom.
Lately I’ve been teaching Valentine’s day lessons to my adult classes. I’m making them answer all kinds of risqué questions about things which make me curious; love and dating and marriage and sex. Found out that they don’t use the word ‘love’ to describe the feelings they have towards anyone other than a lover or spouse. There is no greeting or expression used for parents or friends which conveys a deep sense of kinship and caring. I am convinced this is not just semantics. Most Japanese find it odd that I pat others on the back, urge them to shake hands or hug people other than my boyfriend. I’m starting to think that these relationships, not just the terms used to describe them, are completely different here. I have always considered my attraction to like minds and kindred spirits to be a human craving for friendship and interaction; not a culturally-bound manifestation of learned behavior. The adult class confirmed that generally Japanese people do not have friends of the opposite sex because it causes problems in the marriage, so the only close interaction they have with the other gender is with their spouse. By limiting their exposure, they are undoubtedly reducing their ability to understand others. My colleagues have said that their husbands rarely talk to them, instead they just ‘feel and know’ what he is trying to say. I seldom see couples speak to each other and almost never see them displaying any affection. Then they rear their children in an atmosphere of compartmentalized socializing where the kids learn to avoid members of the opposite sex when possible and don’t view interaction as a positive means to any end. Liz and I were at dinner recently when 4 men entered, all at different times, all carrying magazines, and sat at a table. After ordering with no discussion, they buried their faces in their mags, one of which was blatant pornography, laid out on the table without any hesitation. Their food arrived and they shoveled it into their mouths while reading. They never spoke to each other. We wondered why they bothered to go out together. Guess this is some nod towards lack of a double standard…they don’t talk to their friends or lovers.
I did get some surprising answers from my adult students though… “Do you think it’s ok to live together before marriage?” no, no, no…then to a shy woman who scrunched her face up, lowered her eyes and quietly murmured “I think it’s ok.” It was very brave of her to go against the consensus and I believe her forward thinking bodes will for her teenage daughter. Many of them agreed they would marry someone from a different country or who speaks a different language. They also said having a mistress was wrong and when I pointed out that many men here do have them everyone averted their eyes and offered no opinions. When asked about what makes a perfect partner or great marriage, many of them answered, only half-jokingly, money. They also used wealth as a reason why arranged marriages weren’t always bad, although most people agreed nowadays young people are more interested in loving each other. They overwhelmingly thought divorce was okay, but admitted that it would mean your neighbors and friends gossiping about you and none of my students were willing to get one. Many women who haven’t worked since they married also don’t have the financial means by which to support themselves which makes separation difficult [This is one reason they believe women are working longer now although they all think it’s important for her to give up her career to raise the children]. After asking one of my oldest students, 78, if he would marry a woman who had been divorced twice, he replied “well, I’ve given this some thought and I have come to the conclusion that if she has been married twice she must have a lot of valuable experience, so yes, I would.” Everyone was shocked. Through talking with them and Japanese friends and observing people, I’ve began to think a bit differently about what at first appeared to be miserable marriages. I am young enough, and perhaps naïve enough, to still hold out for the idea of a partner that, with a lot of work, will remain your friend and confidant, that won’t disgust you when you look at him, that you won’t harbor resentment or distrust of. These are all things that seem to manifest in Japanese marriages on a larger scale than what I observed in America. That being said, dating consumes a lot of time and energy which could possibly be better directed. I’ve decided to quit holding the people here to my standards, questioning why they remain so unhappy and complacent. Perhaps their contentment resides not in a romantic relationship but in the financial and societal security that a lifelong partnership brings. They entered into a mutual contract to share money, raise children, and grow old together…not to socialize with each other, share friends or stimulate one another. It’s a symbiotic relationship where she irons his shirts, he gives her money for groceries; more like a business arrangement. And if that relationship means both parties are able to pursue their individual lives and interests while sharing the load and burdens of society, the perceived unhappiness seems a bit more palette-able. One woman in my adult class readily admitted that she envied divorcees because she’s been married to the same man for so long that it is boring. She also didn’t know if it is possible to stay in love with someone your whole life, that’s why it wasn’t worth the risk to divorce.
I'm not sure what all this means though I am certain that it taints every relationship I observe. I find myself questioning people's motives and reasoning. Acting out of love or obligation? Truly disliking each other or just being indifferent? Hopeless because of no interaction with your spouse or happy because you have a tiny bit of individual freedom? I've decided asking these questions is ok. Faulting Japanese people for their answers is not. Far be it for me to pass judgement on tradition and relationships I am eons away from understanding. It is this quest to learn more about their situations that keeps me satisfied.